Tuesday, 12 August 2008

not-so-random deep-unhappiness

i am hopelessly superstitious

today was god-awful because i didn't manage to line my eyes before the day officially began

actually i just felt tense when fann ran late in the morning

the same tension i feel whenever i'm contemplating driving home around 5pm

~

actually the shit started when i attended the talk about transferring to monash campuses in aus

i stand practically no chance of entering clayton

i just can't believe how i work harder than my peers but receive crappier results

sekali my parents think i'm not working hard enough

~~

this is one of those days that feel like a nightmare

no clayton = 3 years at sunway = living at home = battling traffic jams

the worst is not daring to tell my parents about my shitty results

they'd put my future on hold in preparation for aus

i can't visit tao in taiwan because 'you've been to taiwan before, it would make more sense for tao to visit you when you go to aus'

i can't plan any holidays because 'clayton first'

clayton clayton clayton

FUCK clayton

i wish the bloody place would just burn down or something

sometimes life feels as though it's put on hold, like it can only start when i'm a clayton student

i used to think that if i worked hard i could achieve any results i wanted

how cocky

now i'm starting to have doubts

~~~

felt like doing something crazy

but as this was one of those jonah days, i couldn't find anybody to accompany me

thank goodness for jianhua

he sms ed me as i was driving home, asking me if i wanted to jog together

for the first time in my life i managed to get ready in 5 minutes flat

we ran past masera to this little hut on top of the hill

i've been running here for 3 years but never realized there was such a romantic little pondok so near to home

okaay, it wasn't romantic as there is a cctv installed at the hut

as i put it, 'it's like riding in a ferris wheel with all the security people down the hill'

no privacy!!

not that jianhua and i needed any-- we just chatted and fooled around pretending to be kungfu masters or something equally demented

he improved my mood a lot

~~~~

still in a mini funk when i got home

this is one of those days when one realizes one is friendless

i know comfort eating is bad

but i still had a kiwi, a yogurt and.. pizza

domino's top secret sauce pizzas are yummy

their breadstix are delicious too [well, more like their bbq sauce saved the night!]

so.. going swimming with stella at her hostel pool tomorrow night

~~~~~

it's probably hormones

tears kept welling up when i was in the plenary theatre for the transfer talk

i had to leave early to save face

things didn't get much better in the car

my stuff are all still strewn inside

i left my toothbrush at uni

damn damn damn

tomorrow i'll wear eyeliner

and even if things don't look up i can still pretend all is fine and dandy

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