Saturday, 13 November 2010

eff

last night i think i had a panic attack. it was bedtime, i was tired but my heart was racing as i laid on my bed and thought about my future. what if i don't graduate? what do i wanna do if i do graduate? over and over and over again. if i had a gun i would shoot myself just to stop the voices.

everything i considered was shot down by criticisms in my parents [and worse, my own] voice. i seriously don't think i can do anything right, and it's scaring the fuck out of me now that i have to support myself. if i can just struggle by myself i think i can make it but mum just asked me what the fuck was i doing with my life?! some neighbor's daughter is already making s$3k in Singapore every month! what if everybody else is really that good and i'm the only loser?

i could say, 'but i just finished my finals!' but that would unleash the if-you-worked-harder-you-could-skip-grades lecture which i can't take right now because if i did i may start taking painkillers though i'm not menstruating now.

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