i dreamed about ahgong, in his dining room, asking me, 'i haven't been gone 5 minutes, why did you move my food?!'
'i didn't!' i'd protested. 'it was ahma!'
then he went to nag ahma haha.
and sometimes in my sleep i see him sitting happily on the swing outside his home, and i think it's okay, he's happy now. no more hospital, no more pain. he is free now, he can even visit me in Sydney if he wanted to! (i was v happy when i saw a dragonfly whilst floating on a pool at Wet 'n' Wild.)
when i took my driving test i'd even said in my heart, if you're up there, ahgong, help me pass!
i passed ;p
but recently, maybe due to my relatives' own records of ahgong's passing, the fact that he won't be there when i return to Sri Gading next year really hit home.
thankfully the manic, out-of-control, hogging-the-work-toilet crying is no more, now the tears are k-drama style.
when i call ahma now, there is one less question to ask, 'how's ahgong?'
i'm not sure how well ahma is coping, she sounded tired when i called her last night. i'm afraid she's losing strength. so i cheered her by saying, 'Tao and i will be emcees at Paul's wedding!'
'you need to make speeches?' i could finally hear her smile through the phone.
'no, no, i think i just need to say, guests, please be seated!'
'in chinese?' she'd asked.
'Tao will be doing chinese, i'll be doing english!'
she's looking forward to the weddings :))
as a child i was quite sentimental and am prone to missing people. i always cried at school after being separated from cousin Eunice/ahma. because human beings - even little human beings - are not cut out for extended suffering, i kept asking myself, 'why are you crying?'
because i miss so-and-so.
'why do you miss this person?'
because i want to be with them.
'how can you be with them, if not physically?'
once i figured that out, the yearning subsided. it turned into anticipation of a phone call. then counting down the days until we can meet again.
but how do you deal with missing a person who no longer exists physically?
how do you miss a person you don't actually speak to? (although i called ahma regularly, i rarely spoke to ahgong.. or my cousins. oops.)
how do you miss moments from your childhood and youth?
people have been doing it forever, so it can be done, but i'm still figuring out my own way of coming to terms fully with never seeing ahgong again.
but then, it has only been a month, mourning takes at least a year of magical thinking i think :))
Take my hand, I'll lead you to salvation.
Take my love, for love is everlasting.
And remember, the truth that once was spoken -
To love another person is to see the face of God.