Friday, 22 January 2016

the rabbits

over dinner with friend last week, my answer to the post rote 'how are you?' prod of 'how are you, really?' resulted in me saying, 'Bored.' with such vehemence and anguish my friend got slightly alarmed.

'mind-numbingly bored. aren't you bored?' i'd asked. (he wasn't.)

it amazes me why people don't get bored. i have quite a full schedule, and i feel bored. in a typical week, i visit the theater once after work during the week (The Rabbits this week - finally saw Kate Miller-Heidke perform in person!).

i cook a new dish every week (this week it was nam jin chicken, a Thai dish).

i haul my ass to the gym (2 times this week- one 6:15am Adrenaline class where a trainer walked around the class shouting instructions while i feel disgusted by my own sweat and a Zumba class).

on Saturdays, my friends plan and drag me to events. (last Saturday it was lunch at The Grumpy Barista > rock climbing > The Sound of Music at Capitol Theater.) this Saturday it will be.. teeth cleaning > movie + dinner with friends. (and i'm so ashamed but my friends had to make me go-

friend: hi, min? is that you? or am i talking to your voicemail?

me: it's me. are you surprised that i answered?

friend: yes.

me: i'm surprised that i answered too.)

i'm sorry i haven't been picking up. soweeee. i swear, one day my friends will stop loving me and calling me and then i'll be really sorry that i avoid calls.

my friends have to make me hang out with them and have fun. something is wrong with this sentence.

and on Sundays i attend violin class.

so there is always lots to do, but i just feel so.. nothing.

when friends say, you must be looking forward to your Japan trip! or You must feel happy you achieved this-or-that!

i'm actually thinking, no. not really. i don't feel much of anything at all. 

and then i'll feel guilty for being so ungrateful, so i'll smile and say, yes, thanks! i think it will be good.

while on the inside i'm thinking, oh my gosh i hope they don't expect me to be happy! or to express positive emotions! or to express any emotions! don't talk to me unless it's to make lighthearted jokes or gossip. or to discuss Park Hae Jin, who is recently enjoying same ranking as G-Dragon in my heart - meaning I want to shop from Bean Pole all. the. time. 

okay, the real reason i want to fly to South Korea and buy Bean Pole is.. Suzy.

omg so beautiful how.

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

so fresh

second day of 2016 - grocery shopping with auntie kw. now this is fresh!

最近在想,生活中很多炒气氛,把大伙儿联系起来的人,我都没正真感激过他们,也不懂如何 appreciate 他们的付出。

像身边一些朋友啊,亲戚啊,都会热情地在群聊分享,或搞活动之类的。其实这些人物都很重要,尤其是像我这种比较 reactive 的人。我不是会主动去跟别人亲热的人,但我有时是一个很好的 responder -你对我好,我对你也不会差到哪。而且每次看到大家说些有的没的,我都觉得有点 happy 呢!

如果世界上所有人都像我这么被动,没有人主动 reach out,都在等待对方先踏出第一步,那世界应该就冷漠很多!


Friday, 8 January 2016

burning questions, midnight

burning question of the day (or night) was why nobody helped when mum was attempting to murder us.

we were walking around black and blue.. and continued doing so until, well, the last time i remember mum trying to hit me was back in 2010 (age: 21).

haihhh, i can't sleep tonight thinking about all my memories of getting punched, pinched, slapped, smacked and even kicked. somebody had to open that can of worms.

have you ever, as a child, sat opposite a very angry person who is cutting fruits, barely daring to breathe, wondering if the knife is going to come flying at you? ain't no fun, i can tell you. (the knife did fly once, thankfully towards the table.)

another burning question is how mothers can find it in themselves to abuse their children. we were small and skinny (ah, the thin days!), and i'm sure it takes some hardcore strength to draw blood, but she managed it anyway. aren't mothers supposed to have some maternal instinct to protect their broods or whatever?

the thing is, she knew it was wrong to hit children so much and so hard as to leave bruises and welts. (let's not even go to the tooth story.) she knew enough to tell us to keep it from people, otherwise she would be taken away, or we would be taken away. what did children know.. then (nowadays children know a lot.)

third burning question is, will i step up if i see child abuse? in korean dramas or magazine articles, this would be the beautiful climax where i extoll XYZ for their work in fighting child abuse (harr harrrrr) and/or share my personal story where i saved some poor kiddo from getting bashed up.

but no. i know that even if people did try to stop my mum from hitting us, how long can they help? they'll probably just ruin their relationship with mum and mum will probably take out her frustration on us. and then what? what will happen to us? what will change? if even my own blood mother can hit me until i need saving, i don't want to imagine what non-blood-related people can do.

so, yeah, totally pessimistic and all, maybe donate some money and say some prayers. good luck, kiddos.

after i finish typing this, i'm gonna go dig out my LV bags and hug them. maybe sleep with my favourite one. while wearing my Omega watch. little nice things which came from mum (using dad's money - half my wardrobe, toiletries and bags come from home. i haven't decided if i'm doing mum a favour or if she is doing me one by bulk-buying stuff she thinks we'll need).

think good thoughts. my new Schroeder 100. G-Dragon. Coco Banana Lim. the complimentary steamed eggs at the Korean restaurant on New Year's Day. the theatre. haircut tomorrow at At the Garden Tokyo. daydreams about getting a Shiba Inu and marrying G-Dragon. my newly-purchased Nigellissima by my bed. lemon-scented bin liners (don't judge la, i feel so high class whenever i use them.) Amos! my friends. the new earrings i ordered. attending my friends' weddings (uninvited) via FaceTime. my first high school boyfriend matching my parents' allowance^^ (that was the sweetest, really.)

see? life doesn't suck-all just because your childhood was a bit terrifying and nobody cared! i'm 27 now (yes, i hate that i'm old and my skin is losing elasticity; but i love that i don't get beat up anymore and i live in peace and quiet in Australia.)

on this note, good night, good night, good night!